Those ‘Transition Times’ can be a Struggle by RuthAnne
RuthAnne Schedler
Parenting after divorce can sure be a challenge! When the boys and I were in an emotional uproar (shortly after the divorce), we all started seeing a counselor. The counselor recommended a sticker/star behavior modification program for “transition” times – school-morning routine, after-school and homework routine, and bedtime routine. I literally groaned when he suggested it. The idea hit me hard and solid in the gut as a bad feeling.
But… he was the expert ($120 an hour confirmed this), and so I bought stickers, bought prizes, and created three separate and detailed posters delineating the appropriate behaviors required at each “transition” time. All the while, my gut roiled. (Like I said earlier, parenting after divorce can be a challenge!
When I called a girlfriend to tell her about this recommendation for behavior modification, she became very animated. She had a book I could borrow with even more suggestions for this type of positive behavior modification program. I read the book cover to cover. All the while, my gut roiled.
The boys and I followed this program for two months last Spring. It was tedious. We focused on behaviors during the three most stressful times of our day.
Rolf, I’m not saying that the program didn’t “work.” Behaviors did seem to become more “appropriate” over time.
However, there was absolutely no joy in it.
Looking back on this torture chamber of a program, I realize that the focus was all on the doing and not on the feeling. At the time (at any time really) all we need is a little good feeling, and the behavior will follow.
Needless to say, we no longer follow this behavior modification plan. (Nor do we see the counselor.)
Make Them Easier by Finding a Better Feeling by Rolf
Coach Rolf
So perfect. I was wincing by the time I got to, “The counselor recommended a sticker/star behavior modification program…”
I’m confident that the great majority of counselors and therapists have good intentions. But they can only teach what they’ve SEEN themselves. Some of them understand that RESULTS come from BEHAVIOR, thus if you don’t like the results you’re getting (for example, after-school, homework and bedtime routines in an uproar!), it makes sense to them to help clients focus on changing their behavior in order to create a happier result.
It’s possible to change our results by changing our behavior, but as you discovered, there’s not much joy in it. It ends up being a lot of effort for little gain! (Just the thought of it makes me tired!) Parenting after divorce is hard enough without making it harder still!
The best way to change behavior is NOT through concentrated effort and well-designed charts, but to go to its source – the FEELING that created it. As you describe so eloquently, when you find a better feeling, the behavior changes AUTOMATICALLY.
It might be helpful to see the big picture here of how all human experience (thought, feeling, behavior and results) are created, moment to moment:
Our state of mind directly effects what we think.
What we think creates our feeling.
Our behavior flows naturally from our feeling.
And our behavior creates our results.
It ALL begins with our state of mind, our mood, our mind set in any given moment. We ALL experience this every single day.
A perfect example is talking about some challenge with your partner when you are both in a foul mood (with our business clients we call this Mud Mind). Good luck!
Talk about the same challenge when you are both in a good mood (Clear Mind), and you get a completely different result!
Finally, the reason feelings are so helpful is because they are a direct barometer for the quality of our thinking and our state of mind. It’s impossible to be in a great state of mind and feel terrible!
That’s why we encourage our clients to “look for a feeling.” Your feeling is a direct indicator of your state of mind and the quality of your thinking.
Learning to recognize how a situation FEELS to you and then TRUSTING that feeling is THE path to freedom for human beings. This ONE THING can make parenting after divorce a lot easier!
