No Big Deal by RuthAnne
RuthAnne Schedler
Everything felt smooth and easy today – full and busy – but good stuff. I met with a parent group this morning and had a good, long adult conversation. We didn’t talk about kids even once! Mmmm…. Then I had lunch with a teacher friend and talked shop. Ahhh…. After lunch, I came home and got to really look through my emails and even had time to respond to most of them. I was feeling good…
…and then I went to pick up the boys. Brennen’s teacher pulled me aside in the hall to tell me she thought Brennen could be working harder. Hmmm… Not so bad. Surely I could just mention to Brennen that maybe he could rush less and do his best more. Surely this was no big deal.
No such luck. Asking Brennen to slow down and do his best triggered a whole host of emotions in him. He cried. He yelled. He kicked his feet against the car seats. Errr…
Can I tell you how quickly that emotion switch flipped for me? In ten seconds flat, I was also crying and yelling.
“Don’t yell at ME! I think it’s fair for your mother to ask you to do your best! And stop that kicking!”
“Stop talking! Don’t even talk about it. I AM doing my best! I hate my teacher!”
What happened? I was curious. So I asked the question out loud. “What happened?”
We sat for a minute, and I really thought about it. I was really curious. I had had such a good day. This little exchange was really no big deal. And then I noticed something. “Hey guys. I just got upset really fast, didn’t I? I think that I am just feeling sad because you guys will be gone all weekend at Dad’s House. And because I am feeling sad, I got upset faster. Funny.”
Brennen said, “You did get upset fast. You usually don’t get upset that fast. I am really just mad at my teacher but I can’t yell at her.”
“Nope you can’t.”
“Can we have ice cream when we get home?”
“Sure.”
And the storm was over.
Rolf, I didn’t DO anything. I just noticed that I went from calm to upset really fast. I noticed how I was feeling. I didn’t have to fix anything. I didn’t have to do anything. AND, my noticing led to Brennen’s noticing. And IT WAS OVER.
I know that you have told me a hundred times to just be curious and notice but I don’t think I really, truly got it until today!
Create Your Experience Moment to Moment by Rolf
Rolf Evenson
What’s beautifully ironic about this experience is that it IS a big deal when we notice that it ISN’T a big deal when we have a reaction. Here’s what I mean.
Brennen reacted to your words. You reacted to his. Simple.
When you both NOTICED that, “I got upset faster,” you had both ALREADY regained some perspective. You were no longer IN your experience. Now you were NOTICING your experience.
Big difference!
From this new perspective, your momentary upset was “no big deal.” It’s over. Let’s have ice cream!
However, the fact that you and Brennen are developing EYES for how your minds work behind the scenes to create your experience moment to moment, now THAT’S a big deal!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
“BIG DEALS” happen so fast and they come out of no where, or at least they appear to. When I read this snippet, I started thinking about how my own mood and reactions change like that as well. One idea that works for me is to physically fold my hands and place them in my lap to be still. This physical action guides my thoughts and feelings to gather together and slow down as well. If I am lucky enough, in that moment, a deep breath helps as well.
Thank you for reminding us all that it is the noticing that is important at this point. Fixing it is NOT! It was a process to get where we are and it will be a process to work in the opposite direction as well!
You are so right, Debbie. What you are pointing to is that FIXING is never a good idea when you are in a low state of mind — a bad mood — a hot temper. If we could all just NOTICE that we are in that low state of mind. Fold our hands and just be still. NOTICE that our emotions are high and, in our current state, we should not be FIXING anything.
What is amazing to me is that once I notice my state of mind… often the mood passes… and there is nothing to fix. Nothing to fix.
So maybe we won’t have to do any “WORK in the opposite direction.” Debbie, maybe it is just as easy as NOTICING. I know that I could sure use more SIMPLE and less WORK in my life.
RuthAnne