RuthAnne Schedler
Recently, I have been writing about this idea that when our loved ones are in a state of Mud Mind, they can behave in petty, cranky, or even downright mean ways. Well… and, truth be told, when (even) I am in a state of Mud Mind, I can behave “out of character” and yell or say angry things or be downright poopy. (Yes, poopy is the right word.)
So, I have been playing around a lot with this idea of Mud Mind and trust. In other words, I can trust that my sons are sweet, generous boys. Even when they are behaving Muddy, I need not ANALYZE their behavior – I need not FIX their behavior – I can just trust in who they are and wait for the moment to pass. And, in the next moment, like the sun coming up in the morning, they are my sweet, generous boys again.
And if I take this idea a step further, I can be present in their Mud Mind moments and it doesn’t feel like the end of the world. My feelings don’t escalate. I don’t feel the need to react to their Mud because I trust who they are. When my mind stays Clear, I can live through the moment and still be present. And usually… my Clear Mind intuitively comes up with an idea to move us all forward in our day.
Anyway… I have been writing about this idea and a friend of mine responded quite surprisingly with anger. She was adamant that I was being “reductionistic.” She accused me of allowing “abusive” behavior in my household. She even called my children “violent.”
So, what did I do? I slid right into her Mud Mind. I thought about her accusations. I got defensive. I got angry. I felt sad. I cried. I thought about it some more. I got angrier. I ran her comments over and over through my head. I wallowed around in Mud for quite a while.
Then my eldest (10-year-old) son noticed that I was upset. He listened, then he said, “Reductionistic means making it simple… right? Why would you want to make it complicated if it could be SIMPLE. So, Mama, she is right. You are being reductionistic.”
“Remember when you told me I was making mountains out of molehills? Well… if you make a mountain shouldn’t you turn it back into a molehill?”
So I turned my upset back into a molehill. I trusted that my sons were sweet and generous (not violent). I trusted that our behavior was sometimes Muddy (not abusive). And I reveled in the fact that I could be reductionistic. I, yet again, learned an important lesson from my son. “Don’t complicate everything Mama. Stop talking about it and let’s go for a bike ride.”
And we all went on a bike ride.
Rolf Evenson
Geez, you’d think our lives are complicated enough already! You’d think we would WANT to simplify them rather making things worse! But that’s exactly what we do over and over again. Not because we want to make life harder than it already is, but because we are convinced by the logic of what we are thinking. While it’s happening, we are convinced that our upset is coming from our friend who is being judgmental or our kids who are fighting or whatever. Where it’s REALLY coming from is inside our own heads!
Here’s a perfect example. My friend, Elsie, was waiting at a restaurant to meet with a colleague, Roger, to plan a workshop they were going to lead together. She liked working with Roger and looked forward to talking about the workshop. She felt curious about what creative ideas they might have.
When Roger was five minutes late, Elsie was thinking, “Roger must be caught up in traffic. It’s ok, he’ll be here shortly.”
After 10 minutes she thought, “Gee, this is getting aggravating. We have a lot of work to do. Where IS he? If we don’t accomplish what we need to today, we’ll have to schedule another meeting and I don’t want to do that!”
After 20 minutes she was thinking, “What’s the matter with Roger? Doesn’t he realize how important this is? How unprofessional of him! I can’t stand how disorganized he is! Why can’t other people be as responsible as I am?”
After 30 minutes she was thinking, “OMG, I hope he’s ok. I hope he wasn’t in an accident. If fact, HE BETTER HAVE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT, BECAUSE IF HE WASN’T I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!”
Then it occurred to her that there might be another Chilis restaurant in the area. Perhaps Roger had gone to the wrong restaurant. She walked up to the concierge to check. “Yes, Miss,” the concierge said, “There is a Chillis just a block south of here, but this is Applebee’s!”
I’ve found in my parent coaching that the 80/20 rule applies here. Twenty percent of our stress comes from dealing with the actual challenges of life. 80% of our suffering comes from what we think about it. The worry, regrets, resentments, anger, dread and reliving things over and over in our minds.
This was certainly true for Elsie, who created 100% of her own aggravation inside her own head, while Roger was quietly waiting for her down the block and Chilis.
As they say, “s*&% happens”, and we don’t often have much control over what challenges life drops in our life. But we have a LOT to say about what we THINK about them.
Dealing with the 20% is required. The 80% is optional! Life after divorce is challenging enough without increasing our stress by four or five times! Experts like to talk about “anger management” or “stress management”. In my mind, we don’t need either one. We simply need to learn how to opt out of the 80% that is optional!
If we could just notice this and let molehills be molehills, we could spend more time riding bikes with our kids!
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I love this RuthAnne!
It is so well-written and so true. Wish everyone working with our kids had the time to read and reflect on your dialogue. I often get caught in the urgent and miss the important. What you say here is SO important. We need to see our kids through their strengths and remember we are all still learning. Was it Hawthorne who said that without the mud we wouldn’t have marble?
Thank you for creating marble.