They Just Don’t Know Any Better by RuthAnne
RuthAnne Schedler
It is Saturday afternoon, and I find myself fast asleep on the couch – out cold drooling fast asleep. And then, on the fringe of my consciousness, I find myself hearing an argument. I am listening to a screaming match between Brennen (my nine-year-old) and Ryan (my seven-year-old).
I only get the gist of the verbal battle (I have, after all, been fast asleep). But the gist includes “hate yous” and “you are terribles” and “never play with you again evers.” I rise from my sleep stupor just enough to hope fervently that no one will say something they will regret later (like the above-mentioned aren’t regrettable enough).
Please no one say something they will regret later. After all, I have heard again and again that “you can’t take it back!” I move toward the basement where the boys are fighting, wondering how I will manage to dissipate their storm of words, and hoping no one is over-the-top fuming mad.
And before I even get to the top of the stairs, it is over. IT IS OVER. Brennen and Ryan are laughing and playing Mario on our new Nintendo. I stand at the top of the stairs, baffled, and then head back to the couch to finish my nap.
How did they do that? I mean, if I had said some of those things to anyone, there would be no turning back. That fight, those words, would follow us forever. You know what people say after they give or get that kind of verbal abuse: “How can she just pretend nothing happened.” So, how did Brennen and Ryan do that?
I guess they just don’t know any better.
I remember a bedtime sometime last week, last month, maybe last year. Maybe more than one bedtime…
I am yelling. I am yelling loud. My face is red. I am probably sputtering. I am REALLY MAD. If I were a cartoon, steam would be spouting from my ears. I feel like steam is spouting from my ears.
As Ryan actually listens and puts on his pajamas, FINALLY, I hold my breath. And I close my eyes. All of a sudden, a thought enters my head. OMG, how will Ryan ever forgive the things I just said. What a terrible mother I am. He must hate me. How will I ever regain his love?
I sing him his good night medley of songs; I turn on his bedtime music; all the while trembling at the thought that I have lost my son’s love forever.
I lean in for the goodnight kiss, and Ryan smiles. “I love you Mama. You’re the BEST MAMA!” And he goes to sleep. How did he do that?
I guess he just didn’t know any better.
Forgive and Forget by Rolf
Rolf Evenson
It seems that “forgive and forget” comes naturally to us human beings. Your kids are a perfect example. Since they are living in the moment, what all the great spiritual teachers suggest WE should do, they experience their anger in one moment and in the very next moment they can be laughing, the pain of their anger completely forgotten.
This is the way we were DESIGNED to work. Arise to the occasion, experience it fully. Move on to the next moment and BE FULLY in that moment. And the next, and the next.
We have to LEARN how to REMEMBER and HOLD ON TO our anger.
“Wait a second.” We think, “What you said HURT me. I’m not sure I’m ready to forget it.”
What we are REALLY saying is, “Regardless of what may be happening in THIS moment, I choose to continue thinking about a painful experience that happened earlier so that I can relive that experience over and over.”
When we do this we give up the possibility of joy in THIS moment.
I know a woman in her 80’s who is STILL angry at her ex. They divorced some 40 years ago.
I wonder how many moments of joy she’s sacrificed in her life to relive anger that occurred decades ago?
Our kids have much to learn from us, but when it comes to living in the moment and letting go of things in a healthy way, we have much to learn from them.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Letting go of anger is not always so easy. Would anyone like to share an insightful “letting go” story? Tell us how it felt when you let go and compare to how it felt when you were holding it all in to fester and foster more anger.
Out of the mouth of babes and into my parenting conscious….
Just yesterday, Brennen and Ryan were whining and fighting and generally in a muddy state of mind. A loud dispute between these two usually peaceful brothers ensued. I heard it gather steam and, yep, they ran to me for resolution. “Ryan is horrible.” “Brennen is mean.” “It’s all his fault.” “No, his.”
But, I was ready because these same babes had previously, and on many occasions, given me pause to consider this notion of “forgive and forget.” In fact, why forgive if we haven’t even gone so far as to assess blame?
So… “Hey guys. It is all kinda yucky here. Yucky words. Yucky stuff. Seems like everyone is not really themselves right now. So, whatever. Let’s have a snack and go for a walk.”
And we did.