Those ‘Transition Times’ can be a Struggle by RuthAnne

RuthAnne Schedler

Parenting after divorce can sure be a challenge! When the boys and I were in an emotional uproar (shortly after the divorce), we all started seeing a counselor. The counselor recommended a sticker/star behavior modification program for “transition” times – school-morning routine, after-school and homework routine, and bedtime routine. I literally groaned when he suggested it. The idea hit me hard and solid in the gut as a bad feeling.

But… he was the expert ($120 an hour confirmed this), and so I bought stickers, bought prizes, and created three separate and detailed posters delineating the appropriate behaviors required at each “transition” time. All the while, my gut roiled. (Like I said earlier, parenting after divorce can be a challenge!

When I called a girlfriend to tell her about this recommendation for behavior modification, she became very animated. She had a book I could borrow with even more suggestions for this type of positive behavior modification program. I read the book cover to cover. All the while, my gut roiled.

The boys and I followed this program for two months last Spring. It was tedious. We focused on behaviors during the three most stressful times of our day.

Rolf, I’m not saying that the program didn’t “work.” Behaviors did seem to become more “appropriate” over time.

However, there was absolutely no joy in it.

Looking back on this torture chamber of a program, I realize that the focus was all on the doing and not on the feeling. At the time (at any time really) all we need is a little good feeling, and the behavior will follow.

Needless to say, we no longer follow this behavior modification plan. (Nor do we see the counselor.)

Make Them Easier by Finding a Better Feeling by Rolf

Coach Rolf

So perfect. I was wincing by the time I got to, “The counselor recommended a sticker/star behavior modification program…”

I’m confident that the great majority of counselors and therapists have good intentions. But they can only teach what they’ve SEEN themselves. Some of them understand that RESULTS come from BEHAVIOR, thus if you don’t like the results you’re getting (for example, after-school, homework and bedtime routines in an uproar!), it makes sense to them to help clients focus on changing their behavior in order to create a happier result.

It’s possible to change our results by changing our behavior, but as you discovered, there’s not much joy in it. It ends up being a lot of effort for little gain! (Just the thought of it makes me tired!) Parenting after divorce is hard enough without making it harder still!

The best way to change behavior is NOT through concentrated effort and well-designed charts, but to go to its source – the FEELING that created it. As you describe so eloquently, when you find a better feeling, the behavior changes AUTOMATICALLY.

It might be helpful to see the big picture here of how all human experience (thought, feeling, behavior and results) are created, moment to moment:

Our state of mind directly effects what we think.
What we think creates our feeling.
Our behavior flows naturally from our feeling.
And our behavior creates our results.

It ALL begins with our state of mind, our mood, our mind set in any given moment. We ALL experience this every single day.

A perfect example is talking about some challenge with your partner when you are both in a foul mood (with our business clients we call this Mud Mind). Good luck!

Talk about the same challenge when you are both in a good mood (Clear Mind), and you get a completely different result!

Finally, the reason feelings are so helpful is because they are a direct barometer for the quality of our thinking and our state of mind. It’s impossible to be in a great state of mind and feel terrible!

That’s why we encourage our clients to “look for a feeling.” Your feeling is a direct indicator of your state of mind and the quality of your thinking.

Learning to recognize how a situation FEELS to you and then TRUSTING that feeling is THE path to freedom for human beings. This ONE THING can make parenting after divorce a lot easier!

Technorati Tags: behavior, Coping with divorce, keeping it simple, Moods, Parenting after divorce

RuthAnne Schedler

Recently, I have been writing about this idea that when our loved ones are in a state of Mud Mind, they can behave in petty, cranky, or even downright mean ways. Well… and, truth be told, when (even) I am in a state of Mud Mind, I can behave “out of character” and yell or say angry things or be downright poopy. (Yes, poopy is the right word.)

So, I have been playing around a lot with this idea of Mud Mind and trust. In other words, I can trust that my sons are sweet, generous boys. Even when they are behaving Muddy, I need not ANALYZE their behavior – I need not FIX their behavior – I can just trust in who they are and wait for the moment to pass. And, in the next moment, like the sun coming up in the morning, they are my sweet, generous boys again.

And if I take this idea a step further, I can be present in their Mud Mind moments and it doesn’t feel like the end of the world. My feelings don’t escalate. I don’t feel the need to react to their Mud because I trust who they are. When my mind stays Clear, I can live through the moment and still be present. And usually… my Clear Mind intuitively comes up with an idea to move us all forward in our day.

Anyway… I have been writing about this idea and a friend of mine responded quite surprisingly with anger. She was adamant that I was being “reductionistic.” She accused me of allowing “abusive” behavior in my household. She even called my children “violent.”

So, what did I do? I slid right into her Mud Mind. I thought about her accusations. I got defensive. I got angry. I felt sad. I cried. I thought about it some more. I got angrier. I ran her comments over and over through my head. I wallowed around in Mud for quite a while.

Then my eldest (10-year-old) son noticed that I was upset. He listened, then he said, “Reductionistic means making it simple… right? Why would you want to make it complicated if it could be SIMPLE. So, Mama, she is right. You are being reductionistic.”

“Remember when you told me I was making mountains out of molehills? Well… if you make a mountain shouldn’t you turn it back into a molehill?”

So I turned my upset back into a molehill. I trusted that my sons were sweet and generous (not violent). I trusted that our behavior was sometimes Muddy (not abusive). And I reveled in the fact that I could be reductionistic. I, yet again, learned an important lesson from my son. “Don’t complicate everything Mama. Stop talking about it and let’s go for a bike ride.”

And we all went on a bike ride.

Rolf Evenson

Geez, you’d think our lives are complicated enough already! You’d think we would WANT to simplify them rather making things worse! But that’s exactly what we do over and over again. Not because we want to make life harder than it already is, but because we are convinced by the logic of what we are thinking. While it’s happening, we are convinced that our upset is coming from our friend who is being judgmental or our kids who are fighting or whatever. Where it’s REALLY coming from is inside our own heads!

Here’s a perfect example. My friend, Elsie, was waiting at a restaurant to meet with a colleague, Roger, to plan a workshop they were going to lead together. She liked working with Roger and looked forward to talking about the workshop. She felt curious about what creative ideas they might have.

When Roger was five minutes late, Elsie was thinking, “Roger must be caught up in traffic. It’s ok, he’ll be here shortly.”

After 10 minutes she thought, “Gee, this is getting aggravating. We have a lot of work to do. Where IS he? If we don’t accomplish what we need to today, we’ll have to schedule another meeting and I don’t want to do that!”

After 20 minutes she was thinking, “What’s the matter with Roger? Doesn’t he realize how important this is? How unprofessional of him! I can’t stand how disorganized he is! Why can’t other people be as responsible as I am?”
After 30 minutes she was thinking, “OMG, I hope he’s ok. I hope he wasn’t in an accident. If fact, HE BETTER HAVE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT, BECAUSE IF HE WASN’T I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!”

Then it occurred to her that there might be another Chilis restaurant in the area. Perhaps Roger had gone to the wrong restaurant. She walked up to the concierge to check. “Yes, Miss,” the concierge said, “There is a Chillis just a block south of here, but this is Applebee’s!”

I’ve found in my parent coaching that the 80/20 rule applies here. Twenty percent of our stress comes from dealing with the actual challenges of life. 80% of our suffering comes from what we think about it. The worry, regrets, resentments, anger, dread and reliving things over and over in our minds.

This was certainly true for Elsie, who created 100% of her own aggravation inside her own head, while Roger was quietly waiting for her down the block and Chilis.

As they say, “s*&% happens”, and we don’t often have much control over what challenges life drops in our life. But we have a LOT to say about what we THINK about them.

Dealing with the 20% is required. The 80% is optional! Life after divorce is challenging enough without increasing our stress by four or five times! Experts like to talk about “anger management” or “stress management”. In my mind, we don’t need either one. We simply need to learn how to opt out of the 80% that is optional!

If we could just notice this and let molehills be molehills, we could spend more time riding bikes with our kids!

Technorati Tags: anger, living in the moment, thought

Singing Out the Blues by RuthAnne

RuthAnne Schedler

Something new happened this morning during the usual routine. It wasn’t something new that I “tried.” I didn’t “figure it out.” It just happened.

And… the something new wasn’t in the boys’ behavior. At least, not at first.

Brennen didn’t want to go to school. Of course! And Ryan wanted a promise that he could play on the computer after school. Of course! Brennen didn’t get enough to eat. Of course! Ryan wouldn’t finish the food he had. Of course! Neither one put on their shoes when I asked (oh so nicely). Of course!

So, I started to sing. Yep. A song just popped into my head and out of my mouth. It was a bluesy song that I belted out loud.

“Brennen doesn’t want to go to sch-o-o-l,
and Ryan just wants to pl-a-y!
No one is happy with their f-o-o-d
And Mama’s done lost her cool.

Oh we got the blu-e-s…
The don’t-want-to-go-to-school blues.”

We all laughed so hard. We ate. We put on our shoes. We all got in the car and headed off to school. We were a few minutes late, but we all felt good.

Awake Enough to Notice by Rolf

Rolf Evenson

I love this story. No parenting technique, strategy or plan could possibly have come up with such a creative solution! Your busting into song was completely inspired and a perfect example of how EVERY human being has an innate capacity for insight, for fresh ideas, for perfect solutions.

(Had your song been part of a “parenting program” it would have been a “happy” song, not the blues! Yet that morning for you and your boys, the blues was pure genius.)

So here’s what I think happened. You sensed the mood sliding down hill. You were AWAKE enough to NOTICE and to recognize that you had a CHOICE. You could join the downward spiral or not!

And that moment of AWARENESS created just enough space for that blues song idea to sneak through the door of your consciousness. And because you were awake to it, you decided to jump in with both feet.

And the “happy place” in your boys responded to the “happy place” in you, and together you literally turned pain into joy.

Technorati Tags: awake, choice, insight, Moods, notice, Parenting after divorce, parenting programs, Practical psychology

No Big Deal by RuthAnne

RuthAnne Schedler

Everything felt smooth and easy today – full and busy – but good stuff. I met with a parent group this morning and had a good, long adult conversation. We didn’t talk about kids even once! Mmmm…. Then I had lunch with a teacher friend and talked shop. Ahhh…. After lunch, I came home and got to really look through my emails and even had time to respond to most of them. I was feeling good…

…and then I went to pick up the boys. Brennen’s teacher pulled me aside in the hall to tell me she thought Brennen could be working harder. Hmmm… Not so bad. Surely I could just mention to Brennen that maybe he could rush less and do his best more. Surely this was no big deal.

No such luck. Asking Brennen to slow down and do his best triggered a whole host of emotions in him. He cried. He yelled. He kicked his feet against the car seats. Errr…

Can I tell you how quickly that emotion switch flipped for me? In ten seconds flat, I was also crying and yelling.

“Don’t yell at ME! I think it’s fair for your mother to ask you to do your best! And stop that kicking!”

“Stop talking! Don’t even talk about it. I AM doing my best! I hate my teacher!”

What happened? I was curious. So I asked the question out loud. “What happened?”

We sat for a minute, and I really thought about it. I was really curious. I had had such a good day. This little exchange was really no big deal. And then I noticed something. “Hey guys. I just got upset really fast, didn’t I? I think that I am just feeling sad because you guys will be gone all weekend at Dad’s House. And because I am feeling sad, I got upset faster. Funny.”

Brennen said, “You did get upset fast. You usually don’t get upset that fast. I am really just mad at my teacher but I can’t yell at her.”

“Nope you can’t.”

“Can we have ice cream when we get home?”

“Sure.”

And the storm was over.

Rolf, I didn’t DO anything. I just noticed that I went from calm to upset really fast. I noticed how I was feeling. I didn’t have to fix anything. I didn’t have to do anything. AND, my noticing led to Brennen’s noticing. And IT WAS OVER.

I know that you have told me a hundred times to just be curious and notice but I don’t think I really, truly got it until today!

Create Your Experience Moment to Moment by Rolf

Rolf Evenson

What’s beautifully ironic about this experience is that it IS a big deal when we notice that it ISN’T a big deal when we have a reaction. Here’s what I mean.

Brennen reacted to your words. You reacted to his. Simple.

When you both NOTICED that, “I got upset faster,” you had both ALREADY regained some perspective. You were no longer IN your experience. Now you were NOTICING your experience.

Big difference!

From this new perspective, your momentary upset was “no big deal.” It’s over. Let’s have ice cream!

However, the fact that you and Brennen are developing EYES for how your minds work behind the scenes to create your experience moment to moment, now THAT’S a big deal!

Technorati Tags: anger, experience, Moods, Practical psychology, school-aged children, thought, upset

They Just Don’t Know Any Better by RuthAnne

RuthAnne Schedler

It is Saturday afternoon, and I find myself fast asleep on the couch – out   cold   drooling   fast   asleep.  And then, on the fringe of my consciousness, I find myself hearing an argument. I am listening to a screaming match between Brennen (my nine-year-old) and Ryan (my seven-year-old).

I only get the gist of the verbal battle (I have, after all, been fast asleep). But the gist includes “hate yous” and “you are terribles” and “never play with you again evers.” I rise from my sleep stupor just enough to hope fervently that no one will say something they will regret later (like the above-mentioned aren’t regrettable enough).

Please no one say something they will regret later. After all, I have heard again and again that “you can’t take it back!” I move toward the basement where the boys are fighting, wondering how I will manage to dissipate their storm of words, and hoping no one is over-the-top fuming mad.

And before I even get to the top of the stairs, it is over. IT IS OVER. Brennen and Ryan are laughing and playing Mario on our new Nintendo. I stand at the top of the stairs, baffled, and then head back to the couch to finish my nap.

How did they do that? I mean, if I had said some of those things to anyone, there would be no turning back. That fight, those words, would follow us forever. You know what people say after they give or get that kind of verbal abuse: “How can she just pretend nothing happened.” So, how did Brennen and Ryan do that?

I guess they just don’t know any better.

I remember a bedtime sometime last week, last month, maybe last year. Maybe more than one bedtime…

I am yelling. I am yelling loud. My face is red. I am probably sputtering. I am REALLY MAD. If I were a cartoon, steam would be spouting from my ears. I feel like steam is spouting from my ears.

As Ryan actually listens and puts on his pajamas, FINALLY, I hold my breath. And I close my eyes. All of a sudden, a thought enters my head. OMG, how will Ryan ever forgive the things I just said. What a terrible mother I am. He must hate me. How will I ever regain his love?

I sing him his good night medley of songs; I turn on his bedtime music; all the while trembling at the thought that I have lost my son’s love forever.

I lean in for the goodnight kiss, and Ryan smiles. “I love you Mama. You’re the BEST MAMA!” And he goes to sleep. How did he do that?

I guess he just didn’t know any better.

Forgive and Forget by Rolf

Rolf Evenson

It seems that “forgive and forget” comes naturally to us human beings. Your kids are a perfect example. Since they are living in the moment, what all the great spiritual teachers suggest WE should do, they experience their anger in one moment and in the very next moment they can be laughing, the pain of their anger completely forgotten.

This is the way we were DESIGNED to work. Arise to the occasion, experience it fully. Move on to the next moment and BE FULLY in that moment. And the next, and the next.

We have to LEARN how to REMEMBER and HOLD ON TO our anger.

“Wait a second.” We think, “What you said HURT me. I’m not sure I’m ready to forget it.”

What we are REALLY saying is, “Regardless of what may be happening in THIS moment, I choose to continue thinking about a painful experience that happened earlier so that I can relive that experience over and over.”

When we do this we give up the possibility of joy in THIS moment.

I know a woman in her 80’s who is STILL angry at her ex. They divorced some 40 years ago.

I wonder how many moments of joy she’s sacrificed in her life to relive anger that occurred decades ago?

Our kids have much to learn from us, but when it comes to living in the moment and letting go of things in a healthy way, we have much to learn from them.

Technorati Tags: anger, emotions, forgiveness, letting go, living in the moment, Practical psychology, regret, school-aged children, siblings

Sometimes We Get a Little Backwards by RuthAnne

RuthAnne Schedler

Brennen, Ryan, and I have started this great new game. We started playing shortly after my revelation that Ben (my new guy) was a kind, generous, warm person even when he wasn’t. What I mean is: I could trust that when his behavior was less than kind, generous, and warm; it was just his behavior and not who he is. Just like I trust that the sun will come up in the morning.

So this idea about trusting who Ben is is rattling around in my head, and I realize that it isn’t just Ben who can behave outside of who he is. This is also true of Brennen and Ryan.

So – the set-up for the game. I told the boys that no matter what, I knew that they were awesome, cool, good kids. But that sometimes they got a little bit backwards and behaved kinda not like themselves. But that I wasn’t worried because I really, truly knew who they really, truly were no matter how they behaved.

So – the game. Now when Brennen is off-balance and his behavior is stingy, petty, and cranky, I call him Nennerb. “Nennerb, have you seen Brennen? Oh well, I’m not worried—Brennen will be back soon. When you see him, will you send him downstairs for breakfast?”

The first time I “played” this game, Brennen bounded downstairs for breakfast a few minutes later proclaiming: “It’s me, Brennen!”

That same day, after school, Ryan was fussing about homework, basketball, hunger, whatever. Brennen turned to me and said, “Mama. You accidentally picked Nayr up at school instead of Ryan.”

“Actually, I think Ryan stayed home today. Nayr, could you run upstairs and get him?” Nayr ran upstairs and came back down, “Here I am! Ryan!”

Today, Brennen actually noticed that I was Amam and sent me out to find Mama. Because he made me notice that my behavior was not fitting me (Mama), it was very easy to find her (me). Got it?

This game is really fun!

Making it Fun AND Simple by Rolf

Rolf Evenson

RuthAnne, you simply amaze me. You grasp a fundamental principle about how human beings function psychologically and immediately turn it into a light-hearted game that helps your kids internalize the principle and put it to practical use. Not only are the three of you living the principle, but you’re having fun doing it!

This is a perfect example of how understanding fundamental principles helps us SIMPLIFY our life.

So what was the principle in this case? Well, to put it simply, we ALL experience moods or states of mind as we go through our day. And our state of mind is constantly shifting like the weather.
So, I may wake up feeling great, get some good news, receive a compliment, complete a job well done, or best of all, just relax and slip into a calm, clear state of mind. In my executive coaching business, ClearMind Leadership, Inc., we call this state of mind, “Clear Mind”.

Clear Mind is the natural state of mind that we ALL experience when we are relaxed, awake to the world around us and focused. It is our high-performance state of mind. It is also a state in which compassion, good will and intuition come NATURALLY to us without effort.

In short, when are minds are clear, we are MUCH nicer to be around and FAR more EFFECTIVE in our work and relationships.

But I can just as easily wake up on the WRONG side of the bed! Or, I might take something PERSONALLY, or start WORRYING myself into a tizzy or blow a gasket because something is taking too long or is too frustrating. We call this state of mind, “Mud Mind”. (This name came from a group of elementary school students who were asked, “What should we call this mood when we’re confused and we get upset?”)

Mud Mind is the natural state of mind that we ALL experience when our minds get going too fast, and we feel impatient, stressed and upset. It is our low-performance state of mind. It is also a state in which insecurity, judgment, miscommunication and poor relationships come NATURALLY to us without effort!

In short, when we are in mud mind, NONE of us are very nice to be with and ALL of us are far LESS effective in our work and relationships.

RuthAnne, your brilliant game reminds you and your boys that life tends to go so much better when we are in clear mind, that we all prefer our clear mind selves to our mud mind selves!

One last thing. The point is not to JUDGE each other when we happen to be in mud mind! (Think about it. If judgmental thoughts do come to your mind, it is a SURE SIGN that YOU TOO are in mud mind.) Your game will most likely work and be fun as long as you are initiating from your own clear mind.

How will you know? You’ll know by how it feels.

How to keep life simple? Feel your way through!

Technorati Tags: behavior, Moods, Parenting after divorce, Practical psychology, school-aged children, trust

RuthAnne Schedler

Books have always been good therapy for me. Therefore, it seems like a good idea to read a good self-help book to inspire me to get back into my life and feeling good again – to start coping with my new life after divorce. Parenting has been the heaviest heartache for me since the divorce, and so I began my search there. I had some pretty hefty tomes in my hand about raising resilient children and about raising boys and about helping the worried child. But they all felt… well, they all felt too heavy!

Then this heavy feeling started to get me thinking about parenting and about how heavy parenting can be. But I don’t know… Hmmm… Maybe all of us parents actually have a good easy, “light” repertoire of parenting strategies but our life – our stress – our state-of-mind — our “heaviness” clogs the channels that connect us to this repertoire.

So, Rolf, I picked a book about getting on with your life instead. A girlfriend gave me this book when I was first divorced and was feeling overwhelmed and scared. I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and let time pass by so I could just wake up one day and be in a better place. Parenting was only an act of functioning at this low point in my life. I started to read this book, and I remember feeling inspired, more hopeful.

I felt lighter, Rolf. And I liked it!

Finding Your Inner Compass by Rolf

Rolf Evenson

There is so much wisdom in your words! I love how you trust the feeling of “heavy vs “light.” George Pransky, a business consultant and therapist and one of the top practitioners of principle-based psychology in the world, talks about life being a “hot and cold game.” Meaning at the deepest level life is a series of decision points where we decide to orient ourselves toward well-being or towards stress.

Everyone will have a different way of thinking about this. They will use different words to describe the feeling. The important thing is to recognize the simplicity of it. “Is it this, or is it that?”

For you, since you already are tuned into what feels “light” and what feels “heavy,” they can become your compass points for moving through life.

You can trust this. If something feels “light,” it will move you toward your natural well-being. If it feels “heavy,” it will move you toward stress and dis-ease.

Another thought on playing the heavy-light game. It applies to ALL of life; whether you are deciding which book to read … how to parent…or who to spend the rest of your life with! It’s really about learning to trust your inner wisdom. The beautiful thing is that once you learn to recognize and TRUST the feeling, whatever you call it, you bring more grace and simplicity into you life.

How many people could use a dose of simplicity in their lives, especially after divorce?

One final note. Beware the whole concept of “self-help. The multi-billion dollar self-help industry is filled with good people having good intentions. No problem there!

But here’s the rub. The ENTIRE self-help industry is based on helping you get from HERE to THERE. (I’m thinking, feeling, doing, living THIS way, but I’d RATHER be thinking, feeling, doing, living THAT way.)

The entire focus becomes closing the gap between where you are now and where you’d like to be. In fact, many life and executive coaches advertise exactly this. “Work with me and I will help you close the gap more quickly, more efficiently, less expensively.”

This leads to A LOT OF WORK, PRACTICE AND EFFORT as we try to change ourselves, our relationships and our lives. And when it doesn’t work, we constantly search for the next good self-help book, the newest approach or a better coach.

Notice that in all of this, we are looking OUTSIDE ourselves for the answers we seek.

As you will see in these dialogues, the answers we seek do NOT lie outside of us. They can only be found WITHIN.

RuthAnne, as you move beyond surviving divorce to living your life again, you will absolutely love discovering that you already have EVERYTHING you need within you. You were born with it and can never lose it. You just need to rediscover it.

You will love the confidence, the calm in the storm, the sense of freedom that comes when you learn to trust your True Self.

SEEING this truth will free you up so that you can, once and for all, STOP looking outside yourself for the answers you seek, and begin the amazing journey of looking WITHIN and discovering your own inner resources.

It will be a grand adventure. I can’t wait!

Technorati Tags: Coping with divorce, freedom, keeping it simple, looking within, surviving divorce, trusting your True Self

Worrying is What I’m Supposed to Do by RuthAnne

RuthAnne Schedler

When the boys and I were in the throes of adjusting to the changes of divorce, Brennen had a few months just chock full of upset stomachs, headaches, and even panic attacks. He was so anxious at bedtime every night that he would throw up. He was so anxious before school each morning that I often could not get him into the school building. Brennen was eight-years-old.

So, what did I do? I did everything. We practiced breathing. We listened to relaxation music at bedtime. We meditated. We talked about “good” fear versus “bad” fear. (I got that idea from a book called, I believe, The Worried Child.) We made a special stuffed bear with tapping points (Tappy Bear). We changed our diet. We tried nearly every coping mechanism possible. And I worried about Brennen all day, every day. I worried when he went to school, I worried when he stayed home, I worried when he was at Dad’s House. After all, I was his mother. Worrying was what I was supposed to do.

Rolf, nothing changed. Except maybe I felt sicker.

Maybe I should have just stopped worrying. It seems to me that I had very active, vigilant thoughts focused on fear. (And Brennen picked up on that.) If I had stopped worrying, I could have focused my thoughts on having fun in Mama’s House. Actually, I have that backwards. If I could have focused my thoughts on having fun in Mama’s House, I could have stopped worrying. And maybe we would have had fun in Mama’s House.

Trying to Fix Worry With Worry? by Rolf

Rolf Evenson

Interesting. Some of our readers may read this and see the logic in it. They may see that your efforts were not helpful. That worrying didn’t help; that it only made you sicker.

They might also wonder, how can you just “stop worrying”? Isn’t the situation serious? After all, Brennen is having “upset stomachs, headaches and panic attacks”. And you can barely get him to school.

If you “just stop worrying” and try to “have fun at Mama’s House”, wouldn’t you be in denial? Worse yet, wouldn’t you be teaching him that it’s ok to avoid challenges, instead of facing them head on?

Of course, I’m playing the devil’s advocate here. The answer is, no you wouldn’t be in denial. Nor would you be teaching him to avoid challenges.

What you would be teaching him is something like this.

Stuff happens in life. Sometimes painful stuff, like divorce. When stuff happens, we can get thrown off balance. We can lose our bearings, get upset. If we are upset enough, we can even make ourselves sick. It happens to everyone. It’s no big deal.

It just means that we got scared and slipped a little (or a lot) into Mud Mind. And once we slip into Mud Mind, things like worry and upset come easily.

Now, if we try to change our feelings by focusing on them, worrying about them, trying to fix them, a surprising thing happens.

We make them worse.

Trying to fix worry with worry is like trying to fix anger with anger.

Or trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

Here’s the problem. When you see your kids suffering, you want desperately to relieve their pain. But when you focus on their upset, worry or trauma, you are focusing on the SYMPTOM not the SOURCE.

But isn’t the source of the problem the divorce, you ask? I can’t change the fact of our divorce! Nor can I change the fact that it is traumatic for all of us!

Of course not. The divorce happened. And, yes, divorce can be traumatic. (It doesn’t have to be, however. But that’s another topic!)

Here’s the thing – and this is IMPORTANT – our SUFFERING NEVER COMES FROM OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. OUR SUFFERING COMES FROM HOW WE THINK ABOUT THEM.

So here’s what really happened and what you’re helping Brennen to see. He got scared and slipped into Mud Mind. Then you got scared and slipped into Mud Mind with him.

When someone’s stuck in the mud and you jump in to help, you BOTH get muddy!

When you noticed it wasn’t working, you went to the heart of the matter. You started wondering how you could shift from Mud Mind to Clear Mind. (Just another way of saying you were looking for a way to shift your mood, lift your spirits.)

Now THAT was brilliant! You were focusing on the SOURCE, not the symptom. I expect that as soon as Brennen’s mood shifted, most of his symptoms would disappear.

Why? Because his symptoms were not being caused by the circumstances, they were being caused by his state of mind. By dropping YOUR worry, you shifted YOUR state of mind. You found your Clear Mind, which made it much easier for Brennen to find his.

Think of it this way. There’s a large muddy swamp adjacent to a beautiful clear-water lake. Brennen lost his way and got mired in the mud.

Being a good mother, you jumped into the mud to rescue him, but discovered that you only made matters worse. Now you were both covered in mud!

So you decided to crawl out of the swamp, covered in mud. Then you walk over to the lake and dive in to the refreshing, clear water.

You feel cleansed. You feel good. You smile, luxuriating the warm sunlight.

You invite Brennen to join you for a swim. When he sees the fun you are having, he can’t resist. He comes over to join in the fun.

The moment he plunges into the clear water with you, all of his mud washed away too.

Mud is no longer a problem, because Mud Mind has transformed into Clear Mind.

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